Some of these are things I've known about myself for a long time, but the general traits seem to be present in more aspects of my life than I thought. For example, all through school (I distinctly remember specific examples as early as third and fourth grade) I highly disliked being told what to read. A teacher could assign a book that I would normally love, but since I was being told to read it, I didn't enjoy it. This stayed with me all the way through college. Of course, there were a few exceptions, but mostly I didn't like the assigned reading, in German or English.
I'll go out on a walk and I very much dislike the feeling of walking away from home. I don't like knowing I have more than half of my walk ahead of me. And it's not that I don't enjoy the walk itself, this is just a side thought/emotion that I have while I'm gone. This might be why I prefer treadmills. I like being outside, but on a treadmill I don't have that nagging feeling. Not even when I have more than half my time left. I think it stems from when Emma was a baby and I'd go out with her. I was always worried that she'd need something that I didn't have with me or that I'd suddenly need to get home and would be further than I wanted and would have to deal with a sad crying baby. It makes no sense, but that's how I am. I guess I dislike the feeling of not being able to stop if I want or need to. Out on a walk, no matter the reason, if I want to stop I still have to get home. On a treadmill, if I want to stop, I stop. I know I have the ability and the freedom to, and so it doesn't bother me.
This feeling seems to also be present with my reading. I love to read, but I don't like the feeling of having the majority of the book ahead of me....even when it's a book I'm really excited about (and enjoying) reading. I love the feeling of finishing a book. That's the best. Finishing is better than starting. Maybe it's because I always have so many things I'm trying to do each day, that a huge book seems that much more daunting a task.And traffic. Of course it stinks. If there's a lot of traffic, and we're all able to travel the same speed, I still don't like being in the back of the line. Even if I'm going 75 mph and at the front I'd only be going 75 mph, I just don't like having the other cars in the way. Like just the fact that they're there means they are stopping me from making the choice to go faster. Not that I would go faster, but I like knowing I have the choice. That I'm able to do it if I want to. I tend to drive slower at night and when there is less traffic. Probably because no one is "telling" me I can't drive faster, and so I just don't care.
It seems like I just oppose authority, or rather the freedom to choose anything at the drop of a hat. It almost sounds like some kind of commitment issue, but I've never thought of myself as one who has problems with commitment. I am totally commited to being a good wife and mother, and I totally commit myself to any calling that I get at church. I also commit to various projects that I do, and don't seem to have issues with any of them. So, even though I'm a little older and have a few more insights into myself, I guess I still don't understand or have all the answers as to why I am the way I am. And maybe I never will.
1 comment:
Whenever I am looking at what "runs" me, I look to my childhood. Usually there is some particular event or series of actions that caused a certain pattern of behavior in me. Or sometimes, it's a familial thing. That's the way someone in my family was, and I've simply learned, at a subconscious level, their patterns of behavior. It's a reaction. Re-ACTing. Anyway... I've learned a lot about myself in the last three years because I had someone to facilitate the process of looking at this "stuff" that was not longer serving me and figure out why, and how to ditch it if I want. Some of it I"ve been able to change, some not so much. But awareness begets more awareness.
So keep looking! You'll find many answers and you'll likely get 10 questions for every answer, but that's why were here, right? Eternal progression!
And, I had to laugh when I read the part about how you are with books because I'm the total opposite! I get more and more sad the closer I am to finishing the book. I don't ever want them to end!
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